My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I AM VODKA MAN
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I think i got beer on your cat.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
