Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
