I feel great
I just peed on a car
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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