clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
