Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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