I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
