I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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