Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
