Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
