Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
