Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
