I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
