He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
