I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
