And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
