Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
