finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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