I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
