I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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