He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
