How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
