DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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