Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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