Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
