Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
