I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
