The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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