he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
