onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
