I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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