All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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