saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
