i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
