I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
