i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
