i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
