I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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