I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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