Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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