i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
