i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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