Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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