I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
