Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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