I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
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