i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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