as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
