When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
