So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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