1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
