I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize