this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
