Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
