I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize