I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
