your parents love me but you hate me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
