im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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