A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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