I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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