Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
