I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
