and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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