She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize